20 lessons before 20

I never actually feel my age. Like you don’t wake up on your birthday and feel 20? Right? Unless some of you do.. (tell me how 20 feels). So I spend my time reflecting on what I learnt during my 19th year of living.

Here’s my list of 20 things I learnt before I turned 20
1. Trust your gut. For some reason it’s always right.

2. Do what makes you happy – spoil yourself. 

3. Learn to appreciate people, even with saying thank you, or giving back. Make sure people around you are appreciated.

4. Home is home. Home may change, home may even be a person. It’s even possible that you have more than one home.

5. Don’t be kedekut with knowledge. The more you give the more you get.

6. Love the way you love. Just because you love in a different way than someone else is loving, don’t think the way you’re loving is wrong.

7. Follow every cute animal accounts for an everyday cheer up- @tobypuff my favourite right now.


9. Be confident. Being shy doesn’t get you anywhere.

10. When you look good, you’ll feel good.

11. Your age does not define you. You define your age. Just because I’m 20 y/o doesn’t mean I have to act like a 20 y/o.

12. I actually like living alone. Living at my own pace. Not having to cater to anyone else other than myself.

13. LAUGH. Laugh at everything. If someone spilled water on you, laugh. If you’ve embarrassed yourself, laugh.

14. If you’re having a bad week, it’s okay to take a day off. There should be something such as an emotional day off.

15. Always always be grateful. Life could be worse

16. Dont care about what people think of you, as long as you are proud of who you are. Sod what other people think of you.

17. Have a “go to” outfit to always wear when you’re blocked on what to wear.

18. Make others happy. With a joke, with a kind gesture – just spread happiness and good vibes man.

19. Take your time. University – life , isn’t a race. Everyone should do things at their own pace. No need to compare your timeline with others.

20. Shit, I am old


20th Birthday 

I never blogged about my birthday, and I didn’t even realised it ! I’m way late on this post …

My birthday falls on 15th November 1996, thus turning me 20 this year. BIG 2-0. I’ve lived 2 decades on this earth, alhamdulillah. I was dreading this birthday most honestly, the whole “not being a teen thing”. I’ve always feared growing up anyways. But my birthday only gets better and better. I’m so blessed to have spent it with the same people, and also new ones ?

I celebrated early with Amirul on the 14th, had a lovely dinner at Beast. As I sat down, I was dying looking at the menu price HAHAH TOTALLY RUINED THE ELEGANT LOOK I WAS GOING FOR. Pulling faces as I pointed at the prices! 😳😫 It was even a candle lit dinner … like whoa grown ass date. I guess those are the dates I go on now ~ adulthood calling like.

The next morning was my birthday, and I spent it away from home. I was at Uni ! I got a knock on the door at 8 am in the morning. I was so confused, thinking that it’s my neighbour planning to complain about my sneezes the night before or something. But as I opened the door with my eyes closed, “HAPPY BIRTHDAY” they cheered. It was my friends – uni friends !! It was Sophie, Mali, and Nicolle 💕 Such sweethearts woke up early with cake and balloon and presents. Can’t believed they spared money to buy me those things ??? Guys I wouldn’t be able to even buy yall cake. But thank you. It was really sweet.

I went to rugby training to just sit and watch – it was Alina Day okay. I was excused. Ahahah. As I sat there doing my work, the rugby girls came over for their water break and all of them wished me happy birthday. Such sweeetiesssss ❤️

My mom called me and sang the birthday song. I felt like crying 😭 being away from my home. Usually my mom would knock on my door and wake me up singing happy birthday. My sister would break down my door at midnight screaming happy birthday and all. But my family just wished me through the fambam group chat now 😦 It was such a different birthday. Nonetheless, it was amazing. Thank you to everyone who celebrated and wished me.

Adulting begins here ?



How my cat died. 

“Life’s a hint” I once told Amirul. It’s like a really good literature book, yknow. There’s just tiny hints scattered between the pages, we as the reader know but for some reason the characters would always be caught off guard when it happens. Which is rather odd. This is the story on how my first pet died. How life hinted me, I saw the hints but was still caught off guard.

Last week I saw a tweet of a conversation:

“How is it like having a cat?”

“It’s great. But if your cat dies, and you don’t cry .. you’re amazing.”
I saw the tweet, and it made me think – that one day my cats are going to die. They are apart of the life cycle at the end of the day. But how would I react? How would I be ? I even tweeted about it.

That was obviously hint one from the mighty writer of life above.

Then, I found myself to talk about my cats a lot this week. I told Mali about all three of my cats as if they were my children #catlady. I told her about Baby (the first), Jack (the dumb one), and Ed (the funny fat one). I told their stories and their traits. But I kept going back to Baby, and telling Mali how she’s the bitchiest cat but she’s my mom’s favourite. It was always a joke of whether my mom loved me more or baby more. How her meow was really soft, like it’s a proper meow. I told Mali about the time we first got her, and how she was so tiny that she ran into one of the steps of my house. How baby would bite if you stop patting her. I usually would talk about Jack or Ed more, because they’re younger and the memories would be fresher. I even made a joke to my friends that if any of my cats die, I need an emotional leave as if a family member died. That should’ve been hint number 2.

I would always leave my laptop on with a random Jane the Virgin episode for it not to be too quiet when I’m in my room. I don’t watch it, I would do my own thing – Clean up or organise my room. The episode that was on was the episode they were having a flashback on how Jane and Michael met. They were arguing and Jane said “Have fun with your cat!” and Michael said “My cat just died !”. For some odd reason, the words “My cat just died” would always catch my attention, and it would ring in my ears. Until now actually. That should’ve been hint number 3?

My family group chat was blowing up on Thursday. How my sister is asking my mom to bring Baby to the Vet because of her heavy breathing but no one could reach my mom. I called, non stop until she finally answered. My sister in law took a video of Baby breathing heavily but looking so weak. Her head rested on her bowl, and she had blood around her mouth area. News from the vet was that she was just having phlegm in her lungs, she was incubated. My mom made a joke saying it’s the same sickness as my nephew. Even though she didn’t go on Thursday, it stayed at the back of my mind.
Friday came. It was an amazing day. I felt good, I couldn’t imagine anything to go wrong. I was about to go home with Amirul, we drove home at night for once. There was a t-junction, and Amirul was about to turn right and then I saw a big round light. Amirul was about to go straight to the light of the motorbike  because he was looking the other way. I tapped his arm, and he was getting closer – the light didn’t move though. I screamed and only then Amirul swerved the other way. I don’t know why I didn’t see that hint, that something bad was going to happen that day.

When I got the text from my mom saying “Baby dah mati.” It was so sudden. I was in shock, in the car I just looked at amirul and said “baby died” and burst into tears. In the Friday night KL jam, I drenched Amirul’s shoulders.

My tears stopped when I came home. I saw my mom and baby, on the floor in front of the entranced. Broke down a bit but collected myself to keep Amirul comfortable. It was my mom and my sister sitting on the floor with baby at the entrance, my dad watching TV and Amirul and I eating at the kitchen island. That was the first night, where I’d eat chicken and Baby wasn’t on the table asking for some of it.

The funeral went like this, it was done in the rain. My mom dug out the hole by herself at the back. Later my sister went over and watched as she bawled in tears. Ed was at the neighbour’s roof watching over us. He just stared. For some reason he looked sad and it’s as if he questioned it. He kept meowing slowly. Then, as my sister laid Baby down wrapped with a towel. All three of us burst into tears. She was stiff, she died in the position of how she would usually sleeps, curved in ball and her hand covering her eyes. My mom pulled the soil together and buried her up – repeating “Bye kesayangan Mak” (Good bye my love). She just kept saying “Tidur dengan aman baby, tidur dengan aman” (Rest in peace). As she was covering baby, she said that she was sorry. She couldn’t stop apologising for the times she was angry at her. For being mad when she doesn’t finish her food and wanting more. She repeatedly said “Mak minta maaf mak lambat bawak ke doctor” (I’m sorry I was late on bringing you to the doctor). And when she was done, she pressed down the soil together and broke down. She repeated bye baby, bye baby, bye baby. It’s what we would say when we go out as she watches us leave. But this time, it’s the last time we would say it, and it’s Baby that’s leaving us. It drizzled over us and the rain got heavier. Ed went over to where we buried Baby, and sniffed around it. We looked at him, he knows. He came over and walked home with us.

She was my first pet, she grew up with me. We first got her when we came back from London, she made Malaysia feel like home. Only 4 weeks old, she was the baby of the house. She would come on night car rides with us, and sit on the dashboard till she out grew it. She would lick my ice cream when I wasn’t looking. Baby made me love cats when I was terrified of them. She met all my friends, from secondary (both schools), to Pre U. They know how much my family loves Baby and how she’s family.

It’s the thought of no more grey fur would be on my clothes. The thought of no more meow as I’m washing the dishes. She’ll never be on the kitchen island anymore asking for a pat. We won’t have to go to the grocery store and search for her favourite food anymore. I came down the stairs in the middle of the night, and I imagined her at the end of the steps but she wasn’t there and won’t be there anymore. She won’t be the first one to greet us anymore when we get back home, peeping through the blinds. I hope we gave her a good life, with enough love. Nearly 7 years old, you made my life a loving one.

Life is a hint. But no amount of hints would actually prepare me for Baby’s death. Bye Baby, I will always love you.

My hero 

My dad graduated ! He finally finished his PhD in International relations or something like that. His thesis was on bout globalisation something something. I know, great daughter I am. (Update I found out it’s about mordernisation and history something about nations and state. There’s no globalisation in the title even ! But I’m sure it’s about globalisation) 
There was a quote once, I read – children do not learn by what you tell them, but by what you show them. And with my dad finally completing his PhD, I saw first hand determination and responsibility being displayed right before my eyes. 

I remember my dad crouched infront of the computer with his piles of books – determined to write his thesis. He had a 4 year break from work to do it. Every day morning to night, he would highlight page after page with a pen that balanced behind his ear. I would look at him head hung from the bed of the master bedroom, with my legs up against the wall sighing “I’m bored.” Occasionally, he would bring me to 7Eleven for a quick treat. I would always grab Crunchie my favourite chocolate bar (I had one today and it tastes just like childhood). Then, back to the bed with Art Attack on while he continued highlighting and typing. 

The 4 years weren’t enough though, he couldn’t solely focus on his thesis. He had to pick me up from school, which most of the time he’d lose track of time and I would wait with the guard till 7.30pm (school ends at 6pm). He had to take care of my brother and sister, picking them up and dropping them off to tuition and extra classes. Grocery shopping, lunch and dinner. My mom would be working late night during the time my dad was the house husband. So he didn’t complete it during the break he was given. 

He put it on hold for a decade maybe. We even went to London, and came back and he worked in Malaysia again. I even forgot my dad did such thing – PhD? What’s that? However, after a few years had passed the university called him up asking him to complete it. And he did – adding more years of effort into editing and mending his thesis. I asked him “why do you bother? After all those years.” He answered, “it’s my responsibility as a student, and as a man to finish what I’ve started.” – responsibility. 

My mother was there every step of the way. She worked while he took his break for extra income, she pushed him when he needed the motivation, she even locked him up in the bed room alone to have him read and do his thesis. Helping him type up his amendments, reviewing his references, keeping updated with his deadline and in check with his schedule. What is a man without his woman right? 

Today was the day, the long awaited day – 16 years to be exact. The road officially came to an end, and he has his PhD in Social Science or IR or something HAHA WE WILL NEVER KNOW. But what ever it is, we are proud of him. All of us, even little Miqi. Even though we (my mom, my sister and I) slept through the speeches in the morning, we were wide awake for when Ayah was on stage. Proud of you, Ayah ❤️

(Here’s Miqi and Ayah with matching OOTDs) 

Being a “Notty” Girl?

I gave the whole uni life 3 weeks, before I decided to judge and update you guys about it. LOL YEAH RIGHT, I’ve just been busy and haven’t had the time to update my blog. Anyways, let me sum up my 3 weeks here in some pictures




It’s hard to adjust to. I’m so used to my tiny daily routines at home, like where I put my keys in my room or where I put my water bottle – the distance needs to be arm length for me to reach in the middle of the night without having to move from my sleeping position. LITERALLY MICRO DAILY ROUTINES. Now it’s all different, and I have to start fresh and it feels foreign. Living alone. Like my phone was dying when I was out at night and I didn’t have to worry about my mom wanting to call me…?? Like whutt. Coming back to an empty house..well room. It’s lonely?

On a brighter note, my timetable is pretty great I gotta admit. I only have classes Tuesday till Thursday, which are mostly half days. Technically, I should be spending more time in KL with my 4 day weekend, but I’ve been spending Mondays and Fridays here to chill and prepare myself for this life. I try to make my days as full as possible, so I won’t have time for that I miss home or miss my cats moments. I joined a lot of clubs. I joined rugby club (Nottingham Royals) the girls’ touch team, I also joined Zumba (Fitness club) – what scoliosis prob right? , Ignite (Nottingham Magazine) and Aiesec.

It’s getting better though. Uni life is when you meet all kinds of people – Some are looking for what to label themselves, some eyes focused on the finish line of “first class degree”, some just craving to make memories. BUT me? Someone that wants to go back home everyday after class.  The only thing I learnt about myself is that – I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THE CITY. I guess I never thought that I’d ever be away from the city, and now I am. Man, oh man I MISS THE CITY. I’ve never lived away from the big buildings and busy street. Even when I lived in UK, I lived in smack bam centre – Baker Street. LIKE GURL, you hear sirens in the middle of the night and wonder what drunktard hurt himself. In Malaysia they’re building a mall right infront of my house !!! I miss the city, I miss the jam, I miss the over priced food – the mall. THE MALL. Amirul brought me to Tesco for grocery shopping, and I spent so long walking around the “mall” because I just miss window shopping.

For some reason, I have more time here than I do at home. I can’t explain that. But at home, seems like after I come home from school the day’s just short and I don’t have time to do much. Here I’m just trying to fill in time –  playing fussball, pool, rugby, zumba, dinner, darts, library. When it reaches 10-11pm, Boom BED.

So far, being a “notty” girl ain’t bad. Cheap food, healthy lifestyle, and that independent woman life. I can do this, right?

Back to school.. I mean uni 

You know the cliche “It seem like it was only yesterday..” Yea. Let’s begin with that. It seem like it was only yesterday that I finished A levels and celebrated the beginning (guys I struggled to spell beginning – I spelled with only 1 n, I need to go back to school) of my gap year. And tomorrow I’m about to go to induction day at my university.. wha-whaat (Central Intelligence reference Yeap I just watched it). It feels funny to even say that. UNI VER SI TY. I’ve been saying “college” even in college I said “school..” Now it’s University????

When my parents rented the place for me, my mom made her list of what to buy straight away. The extensive – bin, table fan, toaster, water cooler, bed sheet … etc. Being a girl, of course I’m gonna make that place as homey as possible. Usually boys would just come in with their clothes and toothbrush and they’ve “moved in.” But I believe this list was just how my mom deals with the whole situation. She keeps herself busy, she prepares for everything physically and suppress her emotions. Only when her friends came over and she mentioned about that I’m going to University, they said “how are you going to deal with that? She’s your entire life ? You quit your job for her ?” I FELT LIKE CRYING. She said “yeah.” Like it dawned on her. Her face changed. MAK IM COMING BACK EVERY WEEKEND I SWEAR.

I also watched Conjuring 2 with my sister in law over the weekend. Which does not help. The fact that I’m sleeping alone ? In a foreign room? In a foreign place ? She also gave all that advices on “get air Yasin, and read ayat Kursi..” IM LIKE STOP YOURE SCARING ME. Every time I close my eyes I imagine Valak. FML. My plan is to go out and tire myself out so much that I come home and not even an ounce of care if there’s valak in the room and collapse on the bed. I’m kidding, Valak pls don’t come.

*Sighs* New beginning huh? Gap year- checked. Best year of my life so far, grew up so much and experience so much. Forever grateful for the opportunities. I did everything I wanted on my list, travel, sleep, read, intern, do nothing. All checked. To a whole new chapter ! Man, I’m already exhausted thinking about my life next week.

Weddings weddings weddings. 

The day where lucky ones reunite with their soulmates yada.. Yada..  Also,  the time guests are struggling with blisters, tight dresses, and sweaty pits.

In Malaysian tradition, we have many steps to the Malaysian wedding. Merisik – Tunang – Nikah – Reception. I went for Intan’s brother’s (Rafique) Nikah at Masjid Wilayah. Which is now my favourite mosque btw. Passed by it so many times during my college days but never actually entered, and when I did I WAS BLOWN AWAY BY THE BEAUTY.

I was told to come in the colour grey to match in Intan’s family. And I only had 1 grey Baju kurung / kebaya thing I made when I was 16! I was suprise I still fit it, but proud Hahahhaha Ofcourse. Who wouldn’t be proud right???

The nikah went on smoothly and Kiki, Mimi and Chubby were all making themselves useful as dulang boys. It was cute. I am top 3 in Intan’s most important friends 💁🏽 (Kiki, Mimi, and I)


Knowing Intan will only be here for the week, busy with wedding preparation. We (Alia and I) volunteered to help out at the wedding! #teamgroom. Duties included making playlist, distributing door gift, fixing the guest list and seating arrangements. All that jazz. Alia and I just had the best laughs ever, way too used to working with each other. Our friendship grew deeper last night. We even wore red .. Not planned.

Once all the boys came, it was like a mini reunion for Sri Utama kids. These boys never fail to make me laugh, they’re the sweetest ever. Also , Mimi and Kiki… HAHAHAHA they didn’t go Sri Utama but it was as if we knew them forever.

(Mimi said “do a model pose”, here’s what I came up with)


Went on to the next morning (today), I JUST DIED. Was so exhausted from Intan’s event , I couldn’t even wake up for the nikah in the morning 😦 But I made it early to the reception. It’s always nice to see Aqmar, cuz DUH best friends since 0 years old. Even my mate from secondary came – turns out he’s the roommate of my cousin’s boyfriend in college. What a small world huh?