Selfish almost.

Sometimes I’m so focused on my own personal growth I don’t notice the growth that’s surrounding me. Once we immerse ourselves in our minds, we become selfish almost – more accurately egocentric. Who can blame us? We only feel how we feel, we only know what we think and we can only imagine what others are going through. Is that selfish of us? To function as we’re meant to function? To live our life for ourself, is that selfish? These are the questions I’ve been asking myself lately.

To start, I’ve been growing to see life in a more egocentric point of view. I’ve been focused on my own goals, and my own journey that I don’t think even think about other people. I use to believe this focus I had was great, the right kind of focus (Jangan pijak tepi kain orang kinda focus yknow). But this way of life that I’ve immersed myself in drowned me whole. I only care about me, me, me. Mostly focused on my personal growth that I fail to realise the growth of those close to me – My parents. It took me to stand behind an old couple struggling to go up the stairs of the tube to realise that my parents are growing too. To see a recent photo of them from what I used to know, to realise their hair are getting greyer and their wrinkles are setting deeper.


Have you ever felt like time stops around you? When I was younger and I would always be asked how old I am by aunties and uncles and I would always be aware of my age, and know how to answer correctly. However, when teachers or anyone else ask me how old my mom was I would say 43 years old for 3-4 consecutive years. I would do the same with my sister. I would tell people she was 16 for years. This serves as the earliest evidence of egocentric behaviour from myself. I wouldn’t notice other people’s growth as I would with my own growth. Though we would celebrate my mom’s birthday every year, it just doesn’t register to me that she too grows old. Especially when you’re growing so fast and each year is such a huge step, what is 43 compared to 44 right? You get me? Looking at old photo albums, I only notice difference in appearance when it’s half a decade apart. But looking at my old photo albums, I can see the difference within months of the pictures taken. Who would know you better than yourself right? There’s nothing wrong with that.

But now to see the growth that I’ve missed of my parents because I was so self centred, it’s something I can’t take back. We’re all aware that our parents’ observe and document our growth; they know every firsts, and everything you’ve done. They can map out each scar, and tell each story. They were there for your whole life, and we came only half way through theirs. What scars can we map out? What stories can we tell? How well do we actually know our parents? But while we’re growing to achieve our own personal goals we shouldn’t lose touch with the growth of our parents and those surrounding us. Time doesn’t stop around us, I know that by now. Time goes on whether we like it or not and time with our parents, are ticking whether we realise it or not. You’re not the only one growing, they’re growing too. With their own personal milestone like, my dad retired last year and my mom started wearing the hijab. They’re growing and we should just be there to observe and document in any way we can while time continues to tick.




I’m way overdue for this post, and a lot has been happening. I am physically and emotionally drained. Through out this process I realise I underestimate myself a lot. This seeds from being underestimated my whole life. My parents never think I’m capable of being alone, especially not surviving alone across the world without them or anyone else to rely on. I don’t blame them, I’ve also never had the chance to be alone. I guess they trust Amirul, they always have. But Amirul and I are 2 hours apart. It’s not like I burn my finger and call him to kiss my booboo. I mean I can, but it’ll be healed by the time he gets here.

I’ve gotten comfortable being alone. I always have been okay with being physically alone, I mean I loved eating alone and being in my room alone before this. But now it’s a whole new level of alone. I don’t have anyone else to rely on other than myself. It’s a bit lonely sometimes. Everyone’s a stranger, the whole city is a foreign place but I find comfort in knowing that everyone else in my shoes are also feeling the same. In that case, I’m not the only one, am I?

Sophia made me meet up with someone she knew from KL, in her words “it’ll be nice if you meet him, you’ll have that homey connection”. And I did. It was exactly that. René and I bonded over missing Nasi Lemak Village Park, and maggi goreng. Planning for Asian night, and also pizza night. We only had each other anyways. Until, Nina came to the equation. I texted her randomly to go to a spoken word workshop that I didn’t want to go alone to. Though we didn’t find the room the workshop was in, we did however continue to call each other up everyday since then. Nina + René + me = Skwa. (A typo René made in saying squad but that’s what we call ourselves now)

Other than them, my housemates (Mary, Amber and Alex) as Amirul says “absolute angels”. They are ! They taught me how to use the dishwasher, sent me to the train station and also would pick me up at the tram stop when I get to scared to walk in the dark by myself. I am blessed to have them as my housemates, they’re so warm and welcoming. Burrito night, just dance and also charades. I can’t ask for better housemates. They’re as good as it gets.

I realise, throughout this experience Home is without question where the heart is. I feel at home when I’m in London, I feel at home when I’m with Nina and René looking for desserts at 12am. I feel at home when I Skype Aimin and Nate, Sophia and Sabreena, and ofcourse Amirul. However, I feel like I left my heart across the world at home when I Skype my family.
Home is where the heart is.

February diary 

Broga Hill – last minute trip ! Not prepared at all, but found an awesome Uber driver who picked us up at 4.30 AM and willingly guided us through the hill as he called it his playground. It was so risky, trusting an uber driver at such hour. Alhamdulillah it turned out well, he’s even a photographer who shot Malaysia’s Astronaut guy’s wedding. Crazy right? So he took the pictures of us as a group. Thank you Randy!

Monopoly deal – card games were what we played to kill time. Courtesy of Mali. (I still don’t know how to play)

My best friend’s birthday ! Aimin Omar Ali – We celebrated midnight by going to TREC the night before his birthday for the Nottingham’s charity event of Lock and Key (where all the girls get a lock, and boys gets a key and you’re meant to find your match). Pretty cute way to meet if you were single. But oh god the innuendos !!!
Picture of first day of sem 2. S02E01

Mahlstrom gear launch party – I was Amirul’s +1 for this event. The room was filled with tetesterone that night, Mel and I hovered just next to the buffet table eating away nibblets trying not to be awkward. The collection of the sportswear were of great quality, (as I am told by Amirul and Mateen). You can get more info – @mahlstromgear on instagram.

Valentine’s Night – First time celebrating Valentine’s Day with Amirul. And I got to say, never doing it again. Everywhere was packed ! I didn’t know Malaysia took Valentine’s Day so seriously. It was crowded everywhere, but we did manage to get a nice dinner in the end. I got flowers from him, after a long time of me saying I didn’t want any more flowers. And I gave him his favourite donut, a card (YODA BEST) and a luggage tag with a picture of Yoda on it. Since that week he was trying to convince me to watch Star Wars… Atlas now I actually know who Yoda is. Good enough right?

Highrollers – how did I go through a whole sem without half of yall ?


20th Birthday 

I never blogged about my birthday, and I didn’t even realised it ! I’m way late on this post …

My birthday falls on 15th November 1996, thus turning me 20 this year. BIG 2-0. I’ve lived 2 decades on this earth, alhamdulillah. I was dreading this birthday most honestly, the whole “not being a teen thing”. I’ve always feared growing up anyways. But my birthday only gets better and better. I’m so blessed to have spent it with the same people, and also new ones ?

I celebrated early with Amirul on the 14th, had a lovely dinner at Beast. As I sat down, I was dying looking at the menu price HAHAH TOTALLY RUINED THE ELEGANT LOOK I WAS GOING FOR. Pulling faces as I pointed at the prices! 😳😫 It was even a candle lit dinner … like whoa grown ass date. I guess those are the dates I go on now ~ adulthood calling like.

The next morning was my birthday, and I spent it away from home. I was at Uni ! I got a knock on the door at 8 am in the morning. I was so confused, thinking that it’s my neighbour planning to complain about my sneezes the night before or something. But as I opened the door with my eyes closed, “HAPPY BIRTHDAY” they cheered. It was my friends – uni friends !! It was Sophie, Mali, and Nicolle 💕 Such sweethearts woke up early with cake and balloon and presents. Can’t believed they spared money to buy me those things ??? Guys I wouldn’t be able to even buy yall cake. But thank you. It was really sweet.

I went to rugby training to just sit and watch – it was Alina Day okay. I was excused. Ahahah. As I sat there doing my work, the rugby girls came over for their water break and all of them wished me happy birthday. Such sweeetiesssss ❤️

My mom called me and sang the birthday song. I felt like crying 😭 being away from my home. Usually my mom would knock on my door and wake me up singing happy birthday. My sister would break down my door at midnight screaming happy birthday and all. But my family just wished me through the fambam group chat now 😦 It was such a different birthday. Nonetheless, it was amazing. Thank you to everyone who celebrated and wished me.

Adulting begins here ?




You can say I’m a soppy person. Definitely a soppy person – Overemotional could be a word to define me. I believe I learnt it from my sister.

 I can’t forget the time during raya, when we were all in our Baju kurung and eating kuih raya watching VMAs (YEARS AGO). Beyonce was performing, and then when she finished she drops her microphone and opens the button of her suit and rubs her baby bump. (Iconic moment I’m sure you guys know what I’m talking about.) My sister jumped out her seat and screamed and turned tomato red ! And bawled out in tears. I was like wtheck ??? I’ll never forget that event. That could be the most emotional my sister has been ever in her lifetime over such a little thing. She cried happy tears for Beyonce as if Queen B was her BESTFRIEND ! 

But now. I’m just like that. Ok, maybe not that level yet. But I cry, a lot. Not because of my problems or anything. But little things like that. I cry watching movies, and I’m not even ashamed of it anymore. I no longer hide it. *sobs and blows nose loudly in the cinema* I’m that girl. Don’t ever mention to Amirul the time he went to watch Love, Rosie with me. He asked me if I was okay so many times because of how much I was crying. Poor boy looked frightened. After that we never went to watch romantic movies in the cinema ever again. I learnt to watch it by myself, at home. ME BEFORE YOU I’M COMING FOR YOU. 

So, when Amirul bought me the book Soppy. (Which has been on my list for so damn long because it was out of stock in Kinokuniya for so long!) I cried.

 I literally screamed when I got the message. It was so unexpected. He told me he was going to go to the bank with Pizzo, I didn’t know the bank was near KLCC and I didn’t even think of him buying it for me. But man. Idk why but when he gives me books for some reason I cry… 

Basically, I do this thing where I actually send him emails and write him letters. When I want to remember a date or when I want to explain myself or what I’m feeling. One time, I sent him the comic strips from Soppy which I found on tumblr. Lots of it. And all I said was how cute is this. Then months later, I found out what book it was and told him about it. Didn’t expect him to get it for me.  #howdidigetsoblessed

Amirul’s 21st Birthday.

I prepared myself for this since 2015 September. I saved money since then! Although I didn’t really have an idea of what I wanted to get him. The foot ball boots he wanted were sold out. The other thing he wanted was a laptop. Lol no. So I went back to basics, his favourite things. Other than watches, SHOES.

He’s a loafers guy. Said he’s size 8, got me confused because that’s so big, bigger than my brother’s feet. So then, I remembered this one time he slipped on my brother’s shoes and it fit him perfectly. So we settled that he’s my brother’s size. SO that caused me to drag my brother with me everywhere to find Amirul’s shoes. FYI, men’s shoes are just as complicated as women’s OK. Loafers, driving shoes, buckle???, dress shoes, boat shoes. Good god.

I also got him a “pre birthday present” (yes I’m that girlfriend). Just to get him excited for his birthday. I got him a new era SnapBack, personalised with him name. Black on black. It’s pretty cool, I love the cap myself.

(Creds to Iddin’s snapchat.)

I had to wrap the birthday present too, because ripping off a present is the best feeling ever! Mimi (Najmi) came over, to help me do that. We took hours. Even played with our scissors and tapes in the end. Had to have a break for an Adele kareoke session with Kakak. Trying to wrap a SnapBack with no box is hard okay.

I have to thank the men that are in my life, that have helped me made my man real happy and special on his birthday. #goodjobteam

Fast forward to yesterday 11/4/2016.

He loved his shoe. Thank god. And the shoe fits ! ALHAMDULILLAH. Worth it. And he loved his SnapBack.

ON TO THE FEAST. I told him to decide where to have lunch. And I’ll decide for dinner. He asked for Rakuzen. Which was delicious, and perfect for the starting feast. We ate so much, that we had a food coma just as soon as we reached home. Napped for like 10 minutes. Did some go pro tutorial and shiz. Hung out with my mom.

(After rakuzen we went to forever 21 OU just to take a picture there)


(Go pro tutorial)

Dinner was Bombay Palace ! This boy can swim in curry, so I thought Indian cuisine would be perfect. And it was. We were the youngest in the room, celebrating 21 like a stepping stone, a new era. I bet the rest were just looking at us – going “pfft.”

After that, we took the go pro for a test run at the parking lot over looking the KLCC. MY GOD WAS THAT BEAUTIFUL. It’s dodgy af tho, up there at night, all alone.  The city lights just lighted up the sky. We really do have a beautiful city, just need to appreciate it more.

Outdid myself this year. HOW NOW ? What do I do next year 🙆🏽

Question: how do you know you’ve found ‘the one’ when you haven’t met the other 6 billion people on earth? 

The answer is: anyone after him you will meet feels like a step backwards. A reminder that you don’t want to meet anyone else. A hundred. A thousand. A million people. Won’t match up. You’ll try again. You meet people only to be reminded that “the one” is already known to you. Already familiar. Even before you’ve met them or introduced yourself. There’s that gut feeling of trouble.